blonde pony

My thoughts on the week that is to come and what has passed… and the crossroad as it may be.

So, I sit here at my desk and I begin to write. I begin to write what I was thinking on my way home as I rode my bike.  I’m at a crossroads in my life. That place where I have to think about what comes next. I’ve spent the last three and a half years unemployed and under employed (not all of it entirely by choice), going to school and trying to push my life and career in a more personally fulfilling and individually authentic way. It’s been a success for the most part. I feel more in tune with who I am and what I want. And I consider that a success of no small means.

As I came off my last stint of work I felt extremely empowered and set off with a newly restored sense of direction setting my intentions high and with the resolve to settle for nothing less than what I wanted job-wise. We live in an age of self-realization and high minded positivity. We’re told by gurus and spiritualist, self-help career and lifestyle coaches alike that if we set our intentions clearly all things will come to us. I’m not sure I believe that in this moment. I’ve confronted many an internal issue over the last three and a half years. I’ve looked deep inside what makes me me and I feel I’ve come to terms with a lot of things that hold me back. I’ve accepted and come to terms with what I can, knowing that I am always a work in progress. I can only be responsible for myself and my actions in the moment I am in.

When I went to Burning Man a couple years ago and I spent a lot of time in the temple. There is a lot of quiet meditation that happens in there. There is also a lot of sharing that happens in there. People come together to talk about what holds them back, people that they’ve lost, things they’d like to let go of and they write most of this down and put it in the nooks and crannies of the structure so when it burns they can let those things burn with it. I went through this process. I feel upon reflection I thought I was taking it seriously, but in reality it was a bit superficial, I didn’t really get it. I wrote some things that I wanted to release. I was having a lot of the thoughts I am today, or that I’ve had recently. Being without work can do this to you. A continuous cycle of who, what, where, when, why putting you in a tail spin of self-doubt. I remember crying when I wrote a lot of those things down. I’m not crying now. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I don’t feel like I’m being tested. I don’t feel like the reason I’m where I am at the moment is because I don’t know what I want.

So why am I writing all this you may ask? I have eight days. Eight days to figure out what to do. How to pay my back rent. How to ensure that I can continue to pay my rent in the future. How to pay my bills. How to get myself out of this financial hole that I currently reside in. After three and a half years my will power is giving out. I’ve pushed forward this agenda that I’ve had through sheer will power alone at times and I cannot do it anymore. My resources have dwindled. I’ve come to the end of the road. This next week is going to seal the fate of where I am going to call home for a while. I may have to leave LA. I may end up with my family. I’m not really sure at this moment. But things are going to drastically change for myself in the next week. They have to. And I want to try and have as much control over what that is as much as I possibly can. I keep pulling the rabbit out of the hat, but this time I’m not sure what is going to happen. I do know that whatever does happen I’ll be ok. I’m not afraid. I don’t feel alone.  And I will do what has to be done.